How to Overcome Perfectionism: The one thing I wish I knew sooner

I want to be perfect at everything. I want to be good at everything. I want to be a wonderful mother, an incredible wife, extremely healthy, an amazing teacher. 

I want to be happy.

I want to be fun. 

I want I want I want. 

However, perfection is not what we're here for. 

I have been called a perfectionist my entire life but now with my 40th birthday a few months away, I feel like “perfect” is no longer the center of my ambitions. Perfect isn't my goal anymore.

You don’t have to learn the hard way though. After spending time reading books and resources on happiness, plus my own search for faith, peace, and hope despite my mind going a million miles an hour, I have found the secret to living a life of purpose, not perfection.

God gave me blessings NOT because he expected me to be perfect at them but because he trusts me to love and care for each and every one of them to the best of my ability with His help.

Let’s use the wobbly-movie-screen effect to turn back the clock a decade.

Learning to choose PURPOSE over perfection in motherhood

On a lovely spring day, I was having a rough go of things with my three-year-old son. This particular day my infant daughter wouldn't stop crying and my son was being exceptionally difficult. He decided to revert back to not being potty trained after having been potty trained for quite some time. 

I left my daughter at home with my husband and put my son in the stroller so I could go for a walk which was always the best way to clear my head after a hard day - just to be out and alone and in the woods. 

Prayer comes easily to me when I’m outside and I said, “God please make me better at this. What am I doing wrong here? Why isn't this working for me? Why aren't I a good mom?” 

Before I could even get out my last question, I heard distinctly, “Just love him.”

I froze. The few times that I have heard God speak to me - directly to me - it's like the whole earth is booming but it's such a whisper it's almost silent. 

This was the first time I heard from Him that I know without a doubt - 100% - it was God. 

But just love him? Love who? My son? I do love my son! I love him so much! 

It took a few days of mulling it over but eventually, it dawned on me. I was acting in a way that was taking care of him really well but I was not acting in a way that was rooted purely in the joy and the love that I feel for him. 

Every task was an attempt to do the “right” thing: education, hygiene, health, entertain. I was really good at those things and am still proud to this day of my time with him. 

But I wish I wish I wish I wish I knew that one thing:

Doing right is not the only goal, doing things with genuine love is the goal. 

Because of that day, my life did a complete 180. 

I knew how to balance my work which was not only my sewing but also taking care of the household. My husband worked long hours and traveled frequently and so I took care of the home, kids, and a part-time job. 

I knew how to balance life tasks: making sure everybody had their appointments, making sure that we were healthy, doing the grocery shopping, and visiting the grandparents. 

Balancing work and life is good…

But 

The piece of balance in life that I managed to forget about was love.

Big love.

I need to do all-the-things because of love. 

I wanted to educate my children not for the sake of simply making them smarter but for the joy of seeing their eyes sparkle when they learned that slugs make slime trails. 

I needed to give my children a bath at night not just because I wanted them to smell better (which was a primary aspect of that event of course) but because seeing their perfect smooshy shimmering bodies in the bubbly water filled me with so much pride in the blessings that the Lord has given me. Side note: did you know that all those bathtime stick-to-the-wall letters stick really well to children?! Endless joy. 

I have learned that balancing the grocery store, doctor's appointments, exercise, and a full-time job is not my goal. My goal is to do it all with love. 

As my kids have grown, my desire to act in love has grown, too.

When I forget about my love I forget that God has given me a greater purpose in this world. He's giving me so much more than counting calories when I go outside on my runs; he's giving me beautiful woods to admire. He's giving us trails to hike, ski, and bike. 

There is something I can be perfect at though. Love. I can perfectly love my family as God has given us perfect love. 

Journal

Identify where your perfectionist tendencies are. Appearance? Nutrition? Parenting? Relationship? Cleaning? Choose two and write down how you can approach them with more love and less pressure to be perfect.

For example, when I’m overwhelmed or am trying to avoid people, I clean… intensely. Like workout clothes, 🎶 Rhythm Nation, speed walking, and throwing clothing into people’s bedrooms. Then I get huffy with the kids if they don’t immediately do chores because I’m doing chores. The other day, I had an armful of my daughter’s clothes from all around the house. I bumbled into her bedroom, dropped it all, gave her a stern face, closed her door, and walked away. 

I feel quite ashamed about that mommy fail.

She was happily playing with dollies and I ruined it for no good reason. I could have easily set them outside her door and revisited the clothing later in the day. I could have kept my stress-cleaning to myself. I could have been more loving. 

I struggle to avoid feeling guilty and convicted when God shows me an opportunity for growth. But shame doesn’t create growth. Remember, the enemy wants us to feel guilty and ashamed to creep in and ruin our day. Instead, use it to reflect and make positive changes for your and your family’s benefit. Love benefits all.

On a day when I was struggling to enjoy my time with my extended family, I sought a meditation podcast and this is the passage we meditated on: 1 John 4:17-21. It was quite timely as I was being asked to love my brother. How is it possible that these things pop into our lives right when we need to hear it? 

God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides continually in him. 17 In this [union and fellowship with Him], love is completed and perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment [with assurance and boldness to face Him]; because as He is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love [dread does not exist]. But perfect (complete, full-grown) love drives out fear, because fear involves [the expectation of divine] punishment, so the one who is afraid [of God’s judgment] is not perfected in love [has not grown into a sufficient understanding of God’s love]. 19 We love because He first loved us. 20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates (works against) his [Christian] brother he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. 21 And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should also [unselfishly] love his brother and seek the best for him.

Lord, help me today to live with love, not perfection. Because you love me perfectly, you have taught me to do the same for the blessings in my life. For that, I am forever grateful.  

Can you avoid worrying about perfection and instead focus on acting in joy and love? 

Watch for more blog posts and courses to help discover your work, life, and love balance.

Sincerely, June